Tag: Freckles

Filling the Gap | Grief

chronicwhispers

September 28th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

I know it’s because my heart is broken. I know it’s because I’ve been crying for 3 days straight. I know it’s because sleep has been hard to come by. I know it’s because my mind is overwhelmed by the emotions. I know it’s because I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

But right now I’m just so done. I’m tired and I don’t have the energy to fight. I just want to stay in bed and sleep for a few months. My capacity for life is limited to begin with and now everything is elevated. The pain and fatigue is worse. The emotions are, obviously, on edge. My cognitive function is…well, I can’t focus on anything that requires thinking.

I get it. It’s only been a day. I know it’s going to take time. I understand that stress can impact already existing physical conditions. I know, I know, I know.

But he was my baby. He was my best friend. We lived alone the first 5 years. He was who I came home to. He was who I talked to about my day. He was who I questioned with and cried to when I started getting unexplained symptoms that turned into chronic illness. He knew all my secrets, all my frustrations, all my fears. We understood each other when no one else did. And, even though it was the right thing, he’s now gone. But, he is also now pain-free.

I will move forward. My body will readjust. But for tonight, I still mourn as my heart continues to hurt and the tears continue to fall.

Filling the Gap | Bad News

chronicwhispers

September 26th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

This is my fur-baby. He is 12 years old, 11 of which I have been his momma. I’m not married and lived alone when I adopted him. I owned my own home 5 hrs away from my closest family and had limited friends in that city. He was sometimes my only friend.

Many life changes have happened since then – including me getting sick. And for the most part he was the only one who saw the tears and emotions flow as I began getting sicker and sicker. I didn’t know what was happening with my body, but I knew that his smiling face would always be waiting for me when I got home. And, he was a trooper when we had to pack up our home and move to “grandma and grandpa’s” house.

He has had a rough last few months with having teeth pulled, surgery for a torn ACL, and 6+ weeks of recovery from that. We were just beginning to get back to normal when we a growth started to change color, shape, and begin to ooze. Everyone was convinced it was cancer, but the lab results said it was clear. I became hopeful that now that it was removed he would begin to get better. But he didn’t. He just continued to decline and I knew something was wrong.

Today we got answers for Freckles. My gut knew I wouldn’t like it, but I’m thankful to know for sure. Having an actual answer and concrete proof of what he is dealing with allows me more peace in saying goodbye. So after over 10 years together, I will somehow have to say goodbye to my baby and best friend tomorrow. Please pray for me…he will be fine. I know this will relieve his pain. But me, I am crushed.

After we left the vet we got him some chicken nuggets and went to one of his favorite places, the lake. He can’t enjoy it much, but he did wade in for a little. It then took him three rest breaks to make it back to the car. I love this face and don’t know what I’ll do without my baby, this grumpy old man, anymore!