Tag: Filling the Gap

Filling the Gap | But God IS

chronicwhispers

November 7th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

“BUT GOD IS”

Praise the Lord that He IS! My flesh is weak and broken, BUT GOD IS is my strength. My heart too often fails his, BUT GOD IS right there – waiting in his perfect love and grace for both now and eternity.

Right now I’m in a difficult season of my life and I honestly don’t know if I will ever find a higher baseline, BUT GOD IS bigger than it all. He can handle it. He can handle me…the sadness, anger, pain, and tears. He doesn’t just “handle” me, though. GOD IS overwhelmed by a love for me – for you – that will sustain even in the darkest moments. I may not as quickly open my eyes and heart to his presence in those dark places, BUT GOD IS still sitting right there with me in those times as well. And not just once, but forever. I crave that forever with Him tonight. I crave his presence and a renewed strength of heart in Him.

Not everyday is good, BUT GOD IS!

Filling the Gap | Seeking My Place

chronicwhispers

November 5th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

Today was my birthday. I have officially survived 39 entire years on this planet. Go me!

But birthdays, like New Year’s, make you take inventory. Reflecting on the past year and wishes for the one ahead.

Years ago I had a vision of life at 40…I would be so “old” by then and fully settled into my place in this world. I expected to be married, with kids, and working full-time inside or outside the home. I bought my first home all on my own when I was 29…white picket fence and all. I hadn’t met my soul mate yet, but figured he was just around the next corner.

But shortly after buying my house, my illness first truly hit. In the ten years since, I sold my house and moved back to my hometown. My health took a nose dive and I lost my ability to work full-time. I was forced to start using mobility aides and become more dependent than I ever dreamed of being at this point in my life.

Now I’m one year away from 40 and making wishes for the coming year is hard. I have yet to truly find my place, nor my purpose, in this world (as someone with a chronic illness). I’m a Jesus follower and trust His heart for me. I find my strength in Him alone. I refuse to believe he is done with me yet. (Though I’ve had my moments.) For now, I will just do my best to keep seeking Him and seeking the place He has for me in this world.

Filling the Gap | A Crossroad

chronicwhispers

October 3rd, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

You know when you are there. You try to ignore the warning signs and push through. But it always catches up with you and you find yourself at the crossroads of Crashing and Life.

It’s then you have to face a decision. You can try to take the path of life – of continuing to push past even the brightest of neon signs. But you will end up right back here in even worse shape than before. Or, you can come face to face with reality and accept the crash.

I’ve been pushing through the signs for months. I’ve been trying to ignore the impending crash and force myself down the road of life. If you could have seen me the past 2-3 weeks, you would agree I made the wrong choice. It was the hottest of hot messes, people! It was an excruciating fight that was impacting way too many people. It was very evident that I was falling apart in every way possible…physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually.

So, as I said before, when you do that, you always end up back here faced with the reality. And that’s where I am. I’m in crash mode. My body is now making the choice for me because I didn’t make the best choice for it earlier. It was a struggle to accept, but after much prayer and reflection I realized I have to give my body what it needs.

So, I have talked to the appropriate people and will be starting a month-long break from life as it has been the past 6 months. I will be focusing on giving my body the rest it needs. I will try to avoid emotional stressors and over-stimulation of my brain. And finally, I will focus on just being with Jesus and remembering that He is where I find my identity, strength, and peace.

Reality is, Self-Care is vital for me to remain here.

Filling the Gap | Grief

chronicwhispers

September 28th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

I know it’s because my heart is broken. I know it’s because I’ve been crying for 3 days straight. I know it’s because sleep has been hard to come by. I know it’s because my mind is overwhelmed by the emotions. I know it’s because I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

But right now I’m just so done. I’m tired and I don’t have the energy to fight. I just want to stay in bed and sleep for a few months. My capacity for life is limited to begin with and now everything is elevated. The pain and fatigue is worse. The emotions are, obviously, on edge. My cognitive function is…well, I can’t focus on anything that requires thinking.

I get it. It’s only been a day. I know it’s going to take time. I understand that stress can impact already existing physical conditions. I know, I know, I know.

But he was my baby. He was my best friend. We lived alone the first 5 years. He was who I came home to. He was who I talked to about my day. He was who I questioned with and cried to when I started getting unexplained symptoms that turned into chronic illness. He knew all my secrets, all my frustrations, all my fears. We understood each other when no one else did. And, even though it was the right thing, he’s now gone. But, he is also now pain-free.

I will move forward. My body will readjust. But for tonight, I still mourn as my heart continues to hurt and the tears continue to fall.

Filling the Gap | Bad News

chronicwhispers

September 26th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

This is my fur-baby. He is 12 years old, 11 of which I have been his momma. I’m not married and lived alone when I adopted him. I owned my own home 5 hrs away from my closest family and had limited friends in that city. He was sometimes my only friend.

Many life changes have happened since then – including me getting sick. And for the most part he was the only one who saw the tears and emotions flow as I began getting sicker and sicker. I didn’t know what was happening with my body, but I knew that his smiling face would always be waiting for me when I got home. And, he was a trooper when we had to pack up our home and move to “grandma and grandpa’s” house.

He has had a rough last few months with having teeth pulled, surgery for a torn ACL, and 6+ weeks of recovery from that. We were just beginning to get back to normal when we a growth started to change color, shape, and begin to ooze. Everyone was convinced it was cancer, but the lab results said it was clear. I became hopeful that now that it was removed he would begin to get better. But he didn’t. He just continued to decline and I knew something was wrong.

Today we got answers for Freckles. My gut knew I wouldn’t like it, but I’m thankful to know for sure. Having an actual answer and concrete proof of what he is dealing with allows me more peace in saying goodbye. So after over 10 years together, I will somehow have to say goodbye to my baby and best friend tomorrow. Please pray for me…he will be fine. I know this will relieve his pain. But me, I am crushed.

After we left the vet we got him some chicken nuggets and went to one of his favorite places, the lake. He can’t enjoy it much, but he did wade in for a little. It then took him three rest breaks to make it back to the car. I love this face and don’t know what I’ll do without my baby, this grumpy old man, anymore!

Filling the Gap | Cymbalta Withdrawal

chronicwhispers

September 5th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

3.5 Weeks off of Cymbalta.

It’s a debated drug, but it WORKED for me for 5+ years. The drug didn’t stop working, a series of other things did.

Changes at work + a continuous decline in my health = me leaving my full-time job. Add a year of unemployment and the savings account is depleted & I lose my health insurance.

Another several months pass and my prescription is getting ready to expire. So, with no insurance to revisit the expensive doctor you have to start thinking about what you are going to do next.

After reading multiple articles over the last couple of years on the long-term effects I decided to not go into further debt attempting to secure another script. I decided to wean off it.

3.5 weeks later and the pain…oh the pain! I’ve been on it so long I almost forgot how bad I was before. I don’t know if I can take this as my “normal.” I don’t know what to do.

Filling the Gap | God’s Not Done

chronicwhispers

July 30th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

There are times when I am SO over my health issues I just want to give up. Being chronically ill for years does that to a person. But, God isn’t done with me yet. I have a handful of people who know the depth of my struggle and pray healing for me regularly. I can’t give up.

So what do you do when you don’t have any answers – when the doctors don’t have any answers? You do what millions around the world do in this situation – you become your own medical team. You do the research and become the expert. You try supplement after supplement trying to find the right combination to make a real difference. You try alternative options. You take chances and then hope and pray SOMETHING will make a difference.

I have researched for years. I have tried different things. I have been laughed at, scoffed at, ignored, and dismissed by doctors. I have fired doctors and tried again. Only tiny steps have been made in my journey to healing and yet sometimes it still seems I’m getting worse. But, that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying. So, I’m taking another chance with yet another product and praying that, with all the prayers surrounding me, that this one might be my answer. Some of my research leads me to think it has a shot, so I feel a bit of hope. But, then again, I’ve had that hope before. Regardless, please pray that this time will be different. That this time I will see some real impact on my daily existence. Thank you!

Filling the Gap | 4 Years & Counting…

chronicwhispers

July 27th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

My last good / “normal” day was 4 years ago.

There is “that one day” I always refer to when I discuss the last time I remember feeling “normal.” I had been ill for a few years already, so it was post-worthy. Today Facebook memories reminded me of that day and I was shocked to realize it was 4 YEARS ago. I knew it had been a long time ago, but seeing it in black and white hits me differently.

I had been sick that week with a cold or something. But, I was pretty much over it – just extra fatigued. So I had been sleeping a lot trying to recover. I had slept for about 22 hours straight before waking up and feeling…nothing. No pain. No fatigue. No brain fog. No weakness. Nothing.

WHAT? It was SO weird. I had forgotten what “normal” felt like. It felt so foreign and so right at the same time. I was scared to say it out loud, but after getting up and ready and still feeling the same, I got excited. These two posts were a result of that miracle of a day.


However, there was not a third post for a reason. Shortly after lunch I felt it. This miracle was wearing off. I started praying. “No, please no!” I remember begging. I was on the edge of tears as I began to feel the fatigue creep in. As I felt the fog float in. As I felt discomfort start to grow in my body. By that night I had fully returned to MY normal.

I have no clue how it happened. I just pray that one day I can experience the “nothing” of that day again. I pray that whether God grants me that miracle this side of Heaven or not, that I will find my strength in Him – that He will be glorified in the life I live. He is good and I trust His heart for me.

Filling the Gap | Bucket List Experience

chronicwhispers

July 5th, 2019 | Based on @chronic_whispers Instagram Post

I am a baseball lover. It’s my sport. I started playing softball at the age of 4 and played competitively until I went to college. I was a pitcher and I was a natural. It was a passion. But after I quit playing softball, baseball took over as my first love. I watch way too many games on TV and I am peaceful & excited – in my “happy place” – when at a game.

Part of many baseball fan’s bucket list is the Louisville Slugger Museum. Well, its on my Bucket List anyway. And, today I got to visit! I got to put a big ‘ol check on one of my bucket list items!

Thanks to my brother, I got to see the displays, go on the factory tour, and take silly pictures. Thanks to my brother and a wheelchair.

Speaking of that wheelchair, another first happened today. Below is the FIRST picture of me actually in a wheelchair.

I’ve used motorized shopping carts for almost 2 years – when available – and spent the majority of my family vacation last August in this chair. (A lot of walking is involved.) I rarely use it other than those specific times, but I knew I couldn’t survive nor enjoy my bucket list experience without it. So, while its something I never expected for myself this early in life – and part of me is crushed by it – I am thankful that it allowed me the freedom to go live life and experience one of my Bucket List items!

Cheers to these two wheels and my brother (pictured with me and Babe Ruth) for making this possible!