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I wrote this about five days ago during a night of painsomnia…

When you want change in your life…when you are desperate to escape existing in the everyday drudgery that has become your life…when you reach this point it is not necessarily because your life sucks. But, maybe it does. Maybe you have overwhelming pain in your body or heart, a job you hate (or none at all), feel unloved & misunderstood, or on the borders of anxiety or worse. On the other end, maybe you have a great life with a happy family, job, income, and activities you enjoy. But, you are also time broke or feel a gnawing for something more. You wonder if even the smallest of shifts in the direction of your life could open the door to a better view of the beauty in the world around you. More beauty, more love, more fun, more freedom.

It’s funny how I suspect different people are reading different things into this message. For me, I started it with one thing in mind, but feel it could really be applicable to a minimum of three different areas of my life. Regardless, I’ll stick to the one I started with for now.

Too many days I’m in the first category, feeling like my life sucks. I struggle daily with deep physical pain and fatigue that provokes emotional and mental distress. I regularly feel forgotten, misunderstood, stuck, and without the freedom to live the life I desire to live the way I want to live it. My physical body has me trapped in a glass box nobody can see. One wrong move and that box may crack. Maybe that crack is even too small for anyone else to see, but it reverberates throughout the rest of the box. Maybe it’s a nice, big crack…big enough at least for others to say, “what’s that?!” They look at you cross-eyed and your secret is out…there is something wrong with you. Even strangers take notice and assume the right to judge. You are no longer the same person you once were. It could take one minuscule fracture or one huge impact, but you walk around knowing that at any given second the glass box will shatter, come chasing down, and you will disappear with it. Whether for a few hours or a few weeks, you disappear into recovery, picking up all the broken pieces and trying to find the clearest of packing tape to rebuild the facade. And sadly, most times nobody even notices, or, they notice too much.

So yes, I fight and battle through intense ruts wondering what it will take to shift things just enough to see that door open…to experience more freedom, more beauty, more good days filled with love and laughter instead of pain and fatigue. In this situation, as in the others, it requires a willingness to open your mind. You have to be humble enough to take a moment to learn something new; to listen to someone who has an idea you haven’t truly listened to before because of your preconceived opinions or just general lack of interest or willingness to hear them out. When you take the time to actually listen and learn from someone who has experienced a shift for themselves, you may be surprised at what happens next. It just might be possible that the shift is nothing like you imagined. It could be just what you need and never realized because you judged too quickly. But even if it’s not the answer, not the shift that points you in the right direction for you, at least you know. You know where to put up a road sign along your journey. You can walk away more educated, one step closer to your shift, and with a resource for someone else who might need you to share that information with them.

So, I don’t really see a negative. Sure, taking the effort to try one thing after another until you find the answer can be exhausting. Trust me, I know…traditional prescription medications, supplements, test after test…I’m still seeking what will provide my desired shift. But if I can find the key to a life with more freedom, fun, beauty, and love…well, isn’t it worth it?

My one word for this year is HOPE. I have to believe that my answer is out there and that when I find it, it will be worth it. Which is why after months of reading articles, talking to friends and strangers with experience, and just educating myself out of my own preconceived opinions and judgments, I am taking a chance on an idea. I’m excited to see if it will be the shift I need or if it will simply be an educational experience I can share with others later. Either way, I’m no longer ignorant on the subject and will either be able to pursue it if it proves successful for me or put out the road sign. So, here’s to the start of my journey with CBD and finding the right strain, dosage, etc that will bring life back to this broken and struggling body of mine. Here’s praying and placing my hope in Him to turn my world upside down!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
 Romans 15:13